Storm

I'm sitting here at home wrestling with Constitutional Law while watching the storm coming from the ocean wiping out a peaceful morning start on a Friday. The wind is withering through the large window making my quiet study room so awkward with the scene outside the window. Keeping quietness contained inside, U2 is singing along "With or without you..."

Uncle Lo called yesterday morning and asked me a few questions of how he could get out of a potential binding contract if there were changes in circumstances causing his offer to be invalid. I gave him quick review of professor Dodge's year-long contract law course. In the end, he was happy. I was happy. It felt fantastic to experience the powerful language and structure of the law.

While driving home from my very last lecture of the semester heading toward Pacifica, I thought of my life, my education, my ambitions, and wished I could be out there in the real world lending hand to those who need these skills and knowledge. I miss community service and voluntary works. I miss seeing minor effort becoming material benefits to disadvantaged people versus the vague idea of making one beneficial policy change at a larger scale. I want to be a part of my outer world and help making it better. I cannot wait for that day to come, when hours of exam studies are replaced by helping people and making differences. For now, I must finish 3L and pass the Bar. *shaking head.

The rain stopped momentarily. Dark clouds and grey ocean, only this mind refuses letting go.

--Storm, the Lost Coast, November 2009

Good News of the Day

The news from Mushtaq came just 15 minutes ago to three out of six of his supervised students. It was fabulous!

Good news is that all of you got distinctions in your dissertations. I would be very pleased if you could send me an electronic copy of your dissertations for me to keep as a record and perhaps to use as a sample for future students. Well done all.

-- Mushtaq Khan

Daddy, I hope I have made you proud.

Broken

It's hard to explain my absence from writing this past couple of months . The transition from last year travels onto settling in the Bay Area and working through the last year of law school is still on going and at times unsettling. It's probably just a part of life wherever I am. I'm watching myself everyday trying to experience and to see it from a distance, all at once. This quietness is familiar.

Things are going quite well. I have a busy schedule, but if time is taken out of the picture, life has been quite pleasant. Next week, I will have to register for my last semester at Hastings. Being absence for a full year means that I have not been fully caught up with all the Bar courses. I want to take the Bar and finish it this coming July, but I'm afraid that I may need more time to prepare for it. This morning, I met with Jan, LEOP director, she told me that I will have to get started with Bar prep early in January under her schedule and supervision, almost five months before everyone starts to prepare for it. Jan was kind and encouraging. She gave me hope while the path becomes cloudy. I'm grateful to be a part of Hastings- this community has given me the strength that I never had before.

I have great hope that the Fulbright application will work out. I will soon need to start my job search as a backup plan for next year. In the mean time, I may have to move again. Bridget recently adopted a few cats, and after more than two months of adjusting to the pets, I have failed to cope- I had many negative experiences with cats growing up. They are a part of my remaining fear and the existence of such fear is troubling. It's a shame since I really like this living situation. I'm sad. Suddenly, I wish to have a family close by to lean on for more supports.

*Photo by Patrick Ngo, Napa Valley 2009

Dance

My mind is traveling here in my very hometown, where the ocean is too cold for barefoot walks, but the waves seep into my dream late at night and images of a sole loner wandering the world is fading a little better each day. Companionship shone through long late Saturday nights making the world dancing within.

*October in Pacifica, CA

I submitted the thesis to London late Tuesday night- in time and pretty looking. Right now, I feel very much burnt out and wish that life could have just slowed down a little. My mind is dull and murky. Yet, the race continues on.

I finally finished the first draft of the thesis today and Mushtaq has approved the analysis. It's such a relief to arrive in this final stage. I could never get here alone.

My Macbook, Jane, crashed at around 4:30pm this afternoon, and could no longer be recovered. I lost two days of research writing just a little more than a week before the submission date of my MSc thesis. Bad luck has never visited me this often. I will get Jane back with a brand new hard drive tomorrow.

The Framework

1:20am-

Tonight marked the first time that I managed to come really close to the analytical framework that I had wanted for my dissertation. Somehow things came together at the very last minutes. This approach will provide a complete different observation to the industrialization progress in the motorbike industry in Vietnam. Consequently, it will explain an aspect of the industrial process of this fast growing emerging economy. There is a tiny wave of happiness arises at the moment. I feel as if I'm making a very small and insignificant contribution to human's knowledge. All of the efforts of the past couple of days are being paid off. Thank you life!

Out for the Final Run With SOAS

The Fulbright application was finally submitted yesterday. It was mentally challenging during the 24 hours leading toward the final submission. Two hours before the application was due, I was still editing the research proposal, which I actually wrote the first draft back in July. The last minute challenge revolved around me proposing an unpopular topic which caused my Fulbright adviser to raise the red flag less than 24 hours before the submission deadline. I was relieved when I walked out of Hastings last Friday. After submitting the application, I spent the evening at the gym, a quiet dinner and a good 9 hours sleep. I haven't slept so soundly for weeks. It was refreshing to wake up this morning and felt ready to go for the final push on the dissertation.

Thankfully, I was able to connect the theoretical framework of my dissertation with the two research papers which I wrote during my studies at SOAS. The substantive part of the research will have to be written in the next few days. The Fulbright together with this research will soon conclude my 14 months abroad, my studies at SOAS, and is the final link which would allow me to receive the JD/MSc in three years. Then, I will be out giving my best effort to 3L, and the California Bar exam. I have a feeling this life will continue on this way for quite some time, at least until I will finish the Bar exam and start working/researching. It has been really busy and I'm sinking further each day.

I'm enjoying this life.

Inconsequential

I have been so busy these days trying to finish up the research proposal and personal statement for the Fulbright application. Thankfully, I'm coming to the end of this process and is now increasingly stressed out about the MSc dissertation with SOAS which will be due in the end of this month. I know it will be done. I'm currently in a merit standing for the degree. With a merit for my dissertation, I will receive a merit for the degree overall, which will open the door for getting a PhD if I would like to do it at some point in the future. I must get this paper done- in time and well-done.

Two weeks ago, I had a hit and run with Debbie (my Toyota Corolla). When I walked out of the house early in the morning, I found a big hole in the front bumper. No note was left in the windshield, I ended up having to pay for the deductible to fix Debbie. It was such bad luck.

In the mist of such a busy and stressful period, I managed to do a ride last Sunday at Skeggs with some mtbr friends. It was hard to explain the excitement leading toward the ride in the morning. While driving to Skeggs Point and having played my favorite tunes inside the car, I was consciously aware how Northern California has softened me in such a short period after months of wandering abroad. Nothing has changed, even the pleasure of driving to the trail head early in the morning remained unvaried. Appreciation bore its true meaning at that moment.

At 8pm, we quickly occupied the parking lot and the socialization started with no time. I was happy to see Mei, Jourdon, Shiloh and Dan as well as to met MarkMass a few others for the first time. Soon after Roy arrived, we headed out for fun time. Astrashburg, medieval and I went with the big group for the run down to Manzanita, Crosscut, Crossover and regrouped once again at the beginning of Blue Blossom before we split off from the big group to do our own ride. From there, we went up Springboard, up Sierra Moreno, down Resolution and out to Skeggs Point by ECdM. This is one of my favorite loops at Skeggs and I almost forgot how fun Resolution is. My Blur LT, Snow, was overjoyed to ride on Resolution going two fast and I almost fell off a few times. Below are a few photos from my camera.

Morning socialization. At 8am of a Saturday, everyone seemed wide awake!


Rocking Manzanita




Charlie almost sleepless the night before due to excitement. He reminds me of those childhood days of endless anticipation toward summer vacation.


Shiloh coming out from Blue Blossom


Regroup and more socializing


Astrashburg on Sierra Moreno


Within the pristine surrounding of Skeggs




Speechless

Sunday and Pacifica Mtb Ride

I did a downhill ride with some friends today in Pacifica. It was my first time riding these trails, and wow! The trails were so scenic with great panoramic view of the ocean, and fun but technical downhill sections. It was also nice to hang out with some down to earth and lay back people whose also find passion in mountain biking like me.

Days like this reminds me of the reasons why I'm so attached to the Bay Area. My feelings and memories toward Europe somehow feels like a world away, as if this last year of wandering was just a blurry dream. However, somewhere deep inside of myself, there exist this growing sense of becoming more mature and deeply indebted to life. I'm becoming the woman I want to be, just a little more, a little better each day.

How could I explain this growing sense of appreciation and awareness of being an awaken wanderer in a sleeping world? ... Christine, it's okay, you can make a home here, inside of yourself.

---
Home


Our small group of the top of Mile- Skye got to test out Northern California soil for the first time


A steep slope in Boyscout


Climbing Mile


Practicing log ride


And a short video clip by Alan Strahsburg

Steps of Uncertainty

I have been having a severe cold all week and it's the first week at Hastings, which makes keeping up with reading and class hours challenging. I had a strange fear today that I would never recover from this cold. Sometimes, I tend to forget how vulnerable and unexpected life is. Last night, I got Bridget so worried, so she brought a pile of medicine and a glass of warm water into my bedroom trying to make me take more medicine. What a kind woman! She makes me feel at home here. I will get well soon, I hope.

It has been very excited returning to law school and see some old friends once again. Hastings has not changed- the law cafe with yummy mozzarella sandwich and hot lentils soup; the library, modern and beautiful, almost always fully occupied during the day; and 1Ls looking nervous around the classrooms. It feels pleasant.

There has been a lot of bad news about the legal market for newly graduate students lately. The NY Times today covers the issue once again, which intensify my concern over post graduation. I really hope that my Fulbright application will work out for next year. Talking about the application, it has been so busy putting it together, and I'm barely half way through. Alex has worked very hard to help me on the side. I wouldn't be able to accomplish this much without him. So far I received two very nice letters, one from Mushtaq and the other is an invitation from University of Malaya who will host me during my research year in Malaysia if the application is successful. The Fulbright competition this year will be vigorous, just like the legal job market itself. Uncertainty is what I feel every day here.

I feel grateful, however. Thanks God for this life.

House of the Ocean

The sunroom on the highest floor My study room

From House of the Ocean

Bedroom




View from my bedroom. Yesterday was a foggy day here.

A Blessing Life

I got back to the Bay Area all safe and sound on Sunday afternoon after a long exhausting journey flying from Geneva to Dublin, spending an evening in Dublin and taking an 11 hours flight back to San Francisco. Returning home was an extra treat for grandma was making really yummy Vietnamese pancake when I arrived in her house.

I hadn't had any accommodation arranged, so after lunch, a quick shower and a few phone calls, I left to Daly City and Pacifica to look at rental units. I needed to settle in as soon as possible to be able to concentrate on my dissertation and to get ready for law school. Unexpectedly, the second visit finished my rent seeking process. My landlady, Bridget is a lawyer who is in her late 50s living alone in a 3 floors, 2800 sq foot home looking over the Pacific Ocean in Pacifica. Being and INFJ, Brigitte and I clicked immediately, and upon seeing the rental unit, I made the deposit for the house. Where I'm staying now is the lowest floor of the house with my own office, a private full bathroom and a very roomy bedroom with lots and natural lights. All the rooms in my floor also look over the Pacific Ocean with a great view of Pacifica city down below.

Bridget treats me like her own daughter, spoils me with all I need and makes sure that I can get the most comfortable environment for my studying. We talked extensively about the law, career choice and life of a criminal litigator, which is Bridget's field of practice. It's strange, every since law school, wherever I go, I often bum into lawyers and make friends with them very quickly. There seems to be some common characters and attraction among the lawyers themselves.

Thus, I moved into the flat today spending an entire day rearranging my new home. From tomorrow onward, I will wake up with the expansive ocean view in bed. Life cannot be any more blessed than this. Thank you father. Thank you God.

The Road

Some weeks ago after I finished all seven exams in one month at SOAS, Alex bought me a gift; a book by Cormac McCarthy named The Road and warned that it's very "dark". The book was, in fact, a 2007 Pulitzer Prize winner.

After months of struggling to put it on and off my desk (at some point, the story was mentally difficult, I couldn't continue on reading) I finally finished it today, one of Geneva most beautiful sunny summer days where lives seem endlessly celebrated. It ironically contrasts to the story in The Road.

The plot features a father and son lurk a devastated and destroyed earth due to an unexplained cataclysm, so much that the sun is covered by ashes and coldness is hard enough to crack rocks. They aimed toward the ocean but the man knew that there is nothing to be seen there. During months of journeying in such a hopeless earth, They went through endless of hardship: starvation, illness, injuries, murders, and witness more of human sufferings that men could endure: an army of roving cannibals and their catamites and slaves; an infant roasting on a spit; and a basement where cannibals keep their victims and harvest their still-living limbs for food. As the man was dying slowing throughout the story, reader witnesses the growing maturity of his son while holding her breathe of an informed catastrophic departure between the two. Every page marks incredible resilience of the father and his son as well as their beautiful love that even a justifiable desire to die could not overtake.

The book is so well written, but what remains strange is how it managed to push my emotion so far that I found myself breathless all throughout. At times, I wish I didn't have to journey with them as a reader; yet, I must continue, just like they did.

One thing always arrives in my mind as I closed the book: I forgot how much I have taken this life for granted and how often that food, shelter, good health and warm human interactions were assumed to be given rather earned. What was hard earned by one can easily be taken advantage by the others. Such a life makes me embarrass and wish for a reasonable change.

Change?

Shadow

I have been chased by my own shadow these days pressing onto life while leaving behind heavy footprints. My effort of leaving no trace behind each day has been proven futile. What is left is a call upon memories and experience to cling onto the nonexistence and impermanence of all things. Intuition, should I place my full trust on such ambient disposition of my own limitation?

Nonetheless, outside of my perplexing mind, life is cheerful, bright and glorious. I finished three exams early this week nearly dropped dead over frustration; despite the fact that they all went quite well. The internship started on Tuesday afternoon. So far, I have been doing preliminary research on a few cases in immigration, tax and investment law both in the UK and Hong Kong as well as editing statement of defence and counterclaim for a trade dispute in the Geneva arbitration court. I like it here. The stable 8-6 hours making daily activity a routine instead of some random walks by the spur of the moments. Perhaps, my wandering life is begging for a short break and I’m getting just that here at PBKA.

Together with the exciting anticipation of the homecoming journey, I have the luxury of enjoying spontaneous meetings with various people in the past couple of weeks. There was Kate with the orange backpack who tried to convince me that Australians are the most friendly people on earth; Jonathan who called himself a conservative but seems utterly liberal except for the fact that he owns two guns claiming to protect his own family; Erik, a lawyer from Utah staying in Geneva to pursue a PhD in law, who was upset that the Swiss just can't make coffee right and that the best coffee must be filtered instead of being made from an espresso machine; as well as this street merchant at a farmer market who wrapped my blackberries case so carefully in a large piece of paper on a Tuesday afternoon, as thorough as wrapping a special gift for his favorite daughter's 18th birthday. Each of these individual's lives seems to touch me in one single unique way- the genuine interactions among human beings which evaporate so soon, yet remain simultaneously long-lasting.

July 31st and thus be it- a Thursday.

Thinking Through a Wednesday Evening

The day passed by quickly for I spent an entire day reviewing for my international income tax exam. This is a fascinating subject. It connects me with my innate problem solving thirst inside and offers the vision of a prosperous legal field that is only attempted and enjoyed by a few. I can't see myself becoming an international tax lawyer just yet; although, that thought keeps bouncing around these days as I'm working through the problems and issues on international income tax especially corporate double taxation and tax avoidance. One of the reasons for refraining myself on this field is that I'm afraid it will take me further away from my intention to specialize in international trade law, which was one of the main reasons why I decided to go to law school a few years back. I'm having my hand on so many things. They are entangling my restless mind.

After a difficult Sunday evening, I'm back to a full mode of exam preparation for 3 exams early next week before the internship with PBKA starts. The law firm was so nice to let me delaying the internship until Tuesday afternoon so that I could complete all the exams here in Geneva. I have much hope that the internship will work out by the end.

July 22- Less than a month before I get to return to the Bay Area. After so much anticipation, the time is very close to sight. Nevertheless, I found myself wishing to have a little more time here in Geneva to complete more works before returning. It’s not that I don't want to go home; I just wish time could stop for a short while so that I can catch up on the pending projects.

Some time in the past couple of months, I decided to apply for a Fulbright grant post JD graduation in Malaysia. With the current unprecedented downfall in the legal job market, I think it's best to buy another year doing a major research project in Malaysia and hopefully build up a more accredited background in case I want to become an academic in the near future. This decision unsurprisingly adds to the stress in the current month since the submission date for the grant is due in early September with Hastings. Wish me luck in the next couple of months for I'm juggling with a really big workload here. It feels as if things have gotten even busier as time passes by rather than the other way around.
…
Geneva has been a welcoming host. I feel very much at home here and now started to think that I wouldn't mind working in this city for a year or two if any opportunity with the WTO or UN comes up. It would be great to have a little more time to really enjoy this country as well as to pick up a little bit of French. These days, I keep having this self-imposed image of an ignorant American who can only speak English around here. Nonetheless, people don't seem to bother so much. They have been very nice and pleasant to be around. Be that as it may, such a future is somewhat out of site at the moment.

I should get back to work.

Tears

Yet another departure. This time my tears could no longer resist themselves from the utter helplessness of my own destiny. I wish to cry until dawn tonight. There is not a single laughter, sound or image left inside me- only the solemn guitar music playing from the itune seems alive. My heart and soul are empty.

Country of Sunflowers and Vines

Greetings from Serde Chenet of Pujau, French Provence! I have been on a road trip here in Southern France the past two days, bearing a minor guilt of traveling while works are pounding on me with deadlines coming so close to sight. This is probably my last trip outside of Switzerland until the end of my stay here.

Regardless, the trip has been immensely pleasant. This region of France is quiet, welcoming and generous to the travelers offering its stunning landscape, imposing evening sun lights, miles of vineyards and carpets of sunflowers. It felt like a dream walking on the old Roman cities where lives don't seem to change much within the past century given the harsh history and Europe bore in the early 20th century.

We had dinner last night at a French restaurant in the main street of Villeneuve Les Avignon. When I was about to sit down on the table, an elder couple sitting next to us, looked up, smiled and quietly said Bonjour! Human interaction has always been a focal point of my trip and this one quickly became one of a jewel shined through and washed away all my dark days in London. Thanks god for this life.
---

...There is a bell peacefully ringing from a distant church. Taking in a deep breath, I wonder if the sounds could tell my existence from here.


...I'm trying to capture the feelings floating in the summer air of Pujaun before they dissolve into the forgotten corner of memory- a self-serving habit, yet what's better than collecting memories in life.




The ghost of history lingers here refusing to leave. One can only wish that a moment like this will last until the end of time.


Revelation


Le Pont du Gard is probably the finest Roman aquaduct still in existence.


...Walking on the thousand years old footsteps of Châteauneuf-du-Pape reminded me how short is a lifetime in compare with these unspoken witnesses seeing anonymous passing lives from here.

Empty

Saturday-

The first half of the Geneva program finished yesterday and two of my professors departed from us. I had such a depressing day going through yet another departure in this traveling life. This time, I asked myself if it's getting harder for each departure than I experienced last year leaving South Korea. Saying goodbye to Delmy in early June, and having a departure note from professor Young as the class ended yesterday afternoon reminded me how I have chosen such an heart-breaking life... I'm clinging onto experience, desire and fondness in life. I forgot how impermanent these experiences are. May be this traveing life has heighten what is often so subtle in my regular Californian lifestyle.

Christine, please let it go- a full glass cannot be refilled.